Therefore, I may scrape the mayonnaise off of my jacket in a state of lovely solitude and peace only broken by the screaming of my newborn. But he has to stay in the carseat. I must keep my children safe. I am being an awesome mother by protecting my children while I dip my fry into the ketchup in the console. Ha! Take that!
Mom-1, Babies ZERO. (I should preface by saying I got over my savior-complex from last week after becoming immune to screaming through what I can only call "baby bootcamp survival tactics") Now, I go to my special place.
The food is heavenly. A greasy, tomato-covered cheesy hamburger while when Zoe is yelling "snack-y! snack-y! snack-y" on repeat like a skipping CD and my blood sugar is plummeting amidst a cortisol spike. After buying cookies, I've told her many times that there is no food left, honey. No more chocolate chip cookies. hah. (While I stuff the chocolate chip cookie in the glove box after giving her only half). After all, I'm a good mom.
If it's 8:00am in the morning, Bojangles biscuits (only in the South) will do the trick. 11:00 Brunch for the Babies @ Starbucks, 12:00 Adult Lunch at Chic-fil-A, 2:00 snack time? Juice and McDonald's chocolate chip cookies.
No matter what time of day it is, there is never a bad time to drive-through. The amazing thing about where I live now in North Carolina is that there is a drive through on every corner in every two mile direction.
Even if this is the only time I talk to an adult all day, I feel like I am an adult at the drive-through. I can whip out the cash/ credit card like it's nobody's business. I have choices. I can order whatever I want! Do I want fries with that? Yes. Do I want a ice cold Diet coke with that? Absolute-ly.
Do I want to hand my kids through the drive-through window for an hour? If only.
There are also semi-nutritious kids foods at the drive-through. I mean, they have apples now. Apples. McDonalds is a built-in apple orchard. It's a regular farm out there. You want to go apple picking? It's almost like you are picking apples if you just go through the drive-through, yell apples! and then careen up to the next window where you can "pick" your modern-day, pre-cut and sliced, blanched-white apples for your toddler. It's basically an educational field-trip in where pre-cut apples come from: McDonalds.
Don't forget chicken. There is chicken at McDonalds. Chicken nuggets are the most convenient lunch ever created. If you never introduce your child to the fact that there is a sauce that comes with them. (I cannot stress how important this is. Children must never know about ranch, barbecue sauce, ketchup, or mayo. For your own sake. For everyone's safety, when you are driving down the highway and the ketchup has landed on the baby's face and it looks like everyone is bleeding and screaming).
Also one more caveat, under no circumstances should you google: where chicken nuggets come from. I never have and never will.
Basically, everything comes down to my childrens' safety. I go through the drive-through because it is safer for Zoe to eat her apples in peace than for me to be reaching back every 30 seconds to grab the singing house toy for her while simultaneously turning my blinkers on and swerving in and out of lanes.
The only problem I am facing with this all-too-perfect time killer + toddler-feeder is that I don't have $1000 a month to spend on drive-throughs. However, I have discovered a cheap alternative to the drive through for all of you moms who, like me, are breaking the bank with our compulsive drive-through habits or are just otherwise broke. Its called "driving when you have nowhere to go."
Here's how it works. Around 4 o'clock each day, I have about had it with playing princess and the castle. I am also tired of stopping princess and the castle to oogle and google my youngest for 30 seconds. I am scared he is not bonding with me due to lack of constant face-to-face interaction. To compensate, I smile whackily into his face every 10 minutes to make sure he knows its me, your mother, got it? K, be back in ten.
We pick up Chris everyday at 5:30 so I figure, hey , if we leave now (at 4 o'clock) we can just drive really slow in circles until we end up at his workplace.
So that's what we do. We drive to Chris' work and we stop in random parking lots to breastfeed Kaiden when he starts crying. The added benefit to this pilgrimage is that Zoe is again, "safe" in her carseat and we are driving to Chris' work which means any complaining is simply non-negotiable/mom does not have to feel guilty about entertainment options.
Once in a while, I will break out in "the wheels on the bus" if I feel the need to keep the peace, but lately Zoe has also resorted to singing herself out of her own boredom. Being in the car creates resilient kids. I tell myself. It is good for them. And I can check my i-phone in the parking lot while breastfeeding. Because I am cool like that.
At this point, I would like to give a shout out to the government who creates roads for driving, and the corporations like McDonalds, Chic-fil-A, and Starbucks, who act as stops on our quest to arrive at 6 pm unscathed, with everybody fed. And a special shout out to Starbucks and to anybody who wants to give me a gift card, because I could show up there twice a day.